Donald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton Third Debate Cold Open – SNL

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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> GOOD EVENING.
GOOD EVENING. I'M CHRIS WALLACE.
AND WELCOME TO THE THIRD AND FINAL PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A LOT LIKE THE THIRD "LORD OF THE
RINGS" MOVIE. YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO WATCH,
BUT HEY, YOU'VE COME THIS FAR. NOW LET'S WELCOME THE
CANDIDATES. DONALD J. TRUMP AND SECRETARY
HILLARY CLINTON. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HELLO, CHRIS. THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
IN THE FIRST DEBATE, I SET THE TABLE.
IN THE SECOND DEBATE, I FIRED UP THE GRILL.
AND TONIGHT, I FEAST. >> CHRIS, I'M GOING TO START
THIS DEBATE IN THE QUIETEST VOICE POSSIBLE.
IN THE PAST, I HAVE BEEN BIG AND LOUD.
BUT TONIGHT, I AM A SWEET LITTLE BABY TRUMP.
>> THAT IS GOOD TO HEAR.

OUR FIRST QUESTION IS FOR YOU
AND IT IS ABOUT REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS —
>> THEY'RE RIPPING BABIES OUT OF VAGINAS!
>> LISTEN, CHRIS. I'M GLAD YOU RAISED THIS TOPIC
BECAUSE WHAT TWO BETTER PEOPLE ARE THERE TO TALK ABOUT WOMEN'S
ISSUES? ME, A WOMAN WHO HAS HAD A CHILD
AND HAS TAKEN BIRTH CONTROL. AND HIM, A MAN WHO IS A CHILD
AND WHOSE FACE IS BIRTH CONTROL. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> AND WE'RE OFF TO THE RACES.
LET'S TALK IMMIGRATION. MR. TRUMP, WHY ARE YOUR
IMMIGRATION POLICIES BETTER THAN SECRETARY CLINTON'S?
>> BECAUSE SHE WANTS OPEN BORDERS AND THAT IS CRAZY.
I MEAN, PEOPLE ARE JUST POURING INTO THIS COUNTRY FROM MEXICO
AND A LOT OF THEM ARE VERY BAD HOMBRES.
>> OH, BINGO, BINGO, I GOT BINGO!
[ LAUGHTER ] I'VE BEEN PLAYING ALL YEAR AND I
GOT IT.

BAD HOMBRES, RAPISTS, MISS
PIGGY, THEY'RE ALL LIVING IN HELL, EXAMINE AND IF SHE WASN'T
MY DAUGHTER. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> CONGRATULATIONS, SECRETARY CLINTON.
MR. TRUMP, PLEASE CONTINUE. >> I HAVE A FANTASTIC
RELATIONSHIP WITH MEXICO. I HAVE PERSONALLY MET WITH THE
MEXICAN PRESIDENT, I FORGET HIS NAME, I THINK IT WAS SOMETHING
LIKE MR. GUACAMOLE. I'M SORRY, EXCUSE ME.
SENOR GUACAMOLE. I ALSO MET HEREWITH BEAUTIFUL
WIFE TEQUITA. AND THEIR TWIN CHILDREN CHIPS
AND SALSA. >> CHRIS, HERE IS THE TRUTH.
DONALD SAID HE WAS GOING TO BE TOUGH ON MEXICO, BUT WHEN HE MET
WITH THE PRESIDENT, HE CHOKED.

>> WRONG.
TRADEMARKED. >> HE SAID HE'S GOING TO BE
TOUGH ON RUSSIA BUT HE'S BASICALLY PUTIN'S PUPPET.
>> LIAR, TRADEMARK. >> HE'S PROMISED TO ARE TOUGH ON
ISIS BUT HE'S NEVER EXPLAINED HOW.
>> THAT'S NOT EXACTLY TRUE. HIRES EXACTLY WHAT I'LL DO.
FIRST OFF SNIFF MOSUL IS SAD SNIFF AND WE'RE GOING AFTER
MOSUL BECAUSE ISIS IS IN MOSUL BUT SHE CREATED ISIS.
SNIFF IRAN SHOULD WRITE US A LETTER OF THANK YOU BECAUSE IRAN
IS TAKING IRAQ AND WE'RE GOING TO MOSUL AND IRAN'S GOING TO
WRITE US A LETTER OF LISTEN ALEPPO IS A DISASTER AND IRAN IS
IRAQ SNIFF AND ISIS — >> MR. TRUMP, WE HAVE TO MOVE
ON. >> OH THANK GOD.
[ LAUGHTER ] I DON'T KNOW IF YOU COULD TELL
BUT I WAS REALLY SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL.
>> SECRETARY CLINTON, NOW, I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU ABOUT AN ONGOING
ISSUE FOR YOUR CAMPAIGN. WIKILEAKS HAS BEEN RELEASING
YOUR CAMPAIGN E-MAILS, MANY OF WHICH RAISE SOME SERIOUS
QUESTIONS. >> THANK YOU FOR BRINGING UP MY
E-MAILS, CHRIS.

AND I'M VERY HAPPY TO CLARIFY
WHAT WAS IN SOME OF THEM. SORRY, WHAT, CAROL?
WHAT? I'M SORRY, I THOUGHT I HEARD MY
FRIEND CAROL. ANYWAY, BACK TO YOUR QUESTION
ABOUT THE WAY DONALD TREATS WOMEN.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND THAT IS HOW YOU BY VOT.
PIVOT. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> SO YOU'RE JUST NEVER GOING TO ANSWER A QUESTION ABOUT YOUR
E-MAILS. >> NO, BUT IT WAS VERY CUTE TO
WATCH YOU TRY. >> NOW MR. TRUMP, IN THE LAST
WEEK, 11 WOMEN ACCUSE YOU OF SEXUALLY ASSAULTING THEM.
DO YOU STILL DENY EACH OF THOSE CLAIMS?
>> CHRIS, OF COURSE I DO. I'M COMPLETELY INNOCENT.
I'VE SAID THIS BEFORE AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN.
NOBODY HAS MORE RESPECT FOR WOMEN THAN I DO.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, SETTLE
DOWN.

SETTLE DOWN, SETTLE DOWN, ENTIRE
PLANET, SETTLE DOWN. OUR NEXT QUESTION IS ABOUT THE
ECONOMY. MR. TRUMP, WHY ARE YOU BETTER
EQUIPPED THAN SECRETARY CLINTON TO FIX THE ECONOMY?
>> BECAUSE HILLARY HAS NO IDEA HOW TO FIX ANYTHING.
IF SHE DID SHE WOULD HAVE DONE IT ALREADY.
I MEAN, WHAT HAS SHE BEEN DOING —
>> DONALD, NO, NO, DONALD, DON'T SET HER UP —
>> I'D BE HAPPY TO TALK ABOUT THE LAST 30 YEARS.
>> OH, NO. NOT AGAIN.
>> BACK IN THE 1970s, I WORKED FOR THE CHILDREN'S DEFENSE FUND.
>> YES, YES, WE KNOW. >> I WAS A SENATOR IN NEW YORK
ON 9/11. >> YEAH, WE GET IT.
>> AND I WAS SECRETARY OF STATE AND I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE HEARD
THIS BEFORE — >> WE HAVE.
>> BUT I WAS INSTRUMENTAL IN TAKING DOWN A MAN BY THE NAME
OF — >> OSAMA BIN LADEN.
>> OSAMA! BIN!
LADEN! [ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ] >> WE'RE ALL VERY PROUD OF YOUR
ACCOMPLISHMENTS, SECRETARY.

>> CHRIS, SHE CAN BRAG ABOUT HER
RESUME BUT I'M THE ONE WHO'S GOT ALL THE HEAVY HITTERS SUPPORTING
ME. I MEAN, I HAVE GOT THE CREAM OF
THE CROP. I'VE GOT SARAH PALIN.
I'VE GOT CHACHI. GET THIS I'VE EVEN GOT THE BEST
BALDWIN BROTHER, STEPHEN BALDWIN.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> SECRETARY CLINTON. SECRETARY CLINTON, LET'S MOVE ON
TO ENTITLEMENTS. WILL YOU RAISE TAXES TO SAVE
PROGRAMS LIKE SOCIAL SECURITY AND MEDICARE?
>> YES, BUT ONLY ON THE VERY WEALTHY.
FOR EXAMPLE, MY CONTRIBUTIONS WILL GO UP AS WILL DONALD'S,
ASSUMING HE DOESN'T FIGURE OUT A WAY TO GET OUT OF THAT —
>> SUCH A NASTY WOMAN. >> WHOA, WHOA, MR. TRUMP.
MR. TRUMP, THAT WAS INCREDIBLY RUDE TO SECRETARY CLINTON.
>> THANK YOU, CHRIS. THAT'S EXACTLY THE KIND OF
LANGUAGE THAT HAS POISONED AND DEBASED THIS ELECTION.
AND IF YOU AGREE, GO TO HILLARYCLINTON.COM AND BUY A
LIMITED EDITION NASTY WOMAN MUG. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> NOW WE HAVE TO TURN TO THE BIG STORY OF THE WEEK.
MR.

TRUMP, IT HAS BECOME VERY CLEAR THAT YOU'RE PROBABLY GOING
TO LOSE. >> CORRECT.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> NOW, WHEN YOU DO, WILL YOU
ACCEPT THE RESULTS OF THE ELECTION?
>> I WILL LOOK AT IT AT THE TIME.
BECAUSE FRANKLY THIS WHOLE THING IS RIGGED.
EVEN THE MEDIA. EVERY DAY I TURN ON THE NEWS AND
ALL OF THE NEWSCASTERS ARE MAKING ME LOOK SO BAD.
>> AND HOW ARE WE DOING THAT? >> BY TAKING ALL OF THE THINGS I
SAY AND ALL OF THE THINGS I DO AND PUTTING THEM ON TV.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> DONALD, LISTEN, I'M TRYING TO
HELP YOU, BUDDY. SO REPEAT AFTER ME.
I, DONALD TRUMP — >> I, THE BEST-EVER DONALD
TRUMP. >> PROMISE TO ACCEPT —
>> PROMISE TO ACCEPT. >> THE RESULTS OF THIS ELECTION.
>> THE RESULTS OF THIS ELECTION. FY WIN.
GOT YOU, LOSER, TRADEMARK. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> CHRIS WHAT HE HAS JUST SAID IS HORRIFYING.
AND THAT'S WHY AMERICANS HAVE AN IMPORTANT DECISION TO MAKE.
BETWEEN THE TWO OF US, WHO DO YOU TRUST TO BE YOUR PRESIDENT?
THE REPUBLICAN OR DONALD TRUMP? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> THANK YOU, SECRETARY.

NOW, WE ARE ALMOST OUT OF
TIME — >> WE ARE?
OH, NO. LET ME JUST MAKE SURE THAT I
SAID EVERYTHING THAT I WANTED TO SAY.
OKAY, I'M GOOD. I'M GOOD.
>> NOW BEFORE WE CONCLUDE, YOU EACH WILL HAVE ONE MINUTE FOR
YOUR CLOSING STATEMENTS. MR. TRUMP, WE'LL START WITH YOU.
>> THANK YOU, CHRIS. THANK YOU TO ALL OF MY
SUPPORTERS. BECAUSE OF YOU, I AM WINNING IN
EVERY SINGLE POLL TAKEN OUTSIDE OF A CRACKER BARREL.
>> SECRETARY CLINTON. >> LISTEN, AMERICA.
DONALD TRUMP CANNOT BE PRESIDENT.
HE WOULD BE A DISASTER. A FAILURE.
A COMPLETE "F." AND AMERICA, YOU DESERVE BETTER
THAN AN "F." SO ON NOVEMBER 8th, VOTE FOR ME
AND I PROMISE I WILL BE A STONE-COLD "B."
[ LAUGHTER ] >> THEN ON NOVEMBER 9th, MAKE
SURE TO CHECK OUT TRUMP TV, YOU'RE GOING TO HATE IT.
AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

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